National Family Caregivers Month
November is almost here, along with the Thanksgiving holidays. It is also National Family Caregivers Month. If you know someone who is a caregiver for anyone, especially for an elderly or sick family member or friend, reach out to that person with support and gratitude. As of November, 2023, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS), “Fourteen percent of the population, 37.1 million people, provide unpaid eldercare in the United States...BLS defines eldercare providers as individuals who provide unpaid care to someone age 65 or older who needs help because of a condition related to aging.” I’m focusing on unpaid eldercare here rather than other kinds of caregiving since that’s been my role, an eldercare provider, for over six years. Most of that time I was working, too, which added to the stress. Caregiving is enormously stressful, physically and mentally, especially as the elderly person becomes more fragile, needier, and more reliant on others.
According to the BLS, eldercare providers often make the difference between someone being able to live at home or having to be placed into a nursing care institution or assisted living. What the statistics don’t reveal are how stressful caregiving is, especially if the caregiver has to sacrifice job, relationships, and other aspects of his or her former life, which many of us have to do. According to the BLS, a higher percentage of women than men are eldercare givers, and many are “the sandwich generation,” meaning they take care of children as well as their elderly parents. According to a report by Guardian Life Insurance, approximately half of caregivers surveyed by them report poor mental health from stress, including depression and anxiety. Guardian Life Insurance also claims, “On a macroeconomic level, the direct cost of caregiving on the US economy is nearly $44 billion, given the loss of more than 650,000 jobs and almost 800,000 individuals with absenteeism issues at work.” This is why employers really need to develop better options for their caregiving employees, for example, allowing them to switch completely to at-home work. If you know a colleague who is a caregiver, try to find a way to help that person with his or her work responsibilities, or, at least, be kind. That person is probably exhausted and may be stretched to a point where he or she makes mistakes.
According to the National Institute of Health (NIH), in a paper published in the National Library of Medicine, “Caregiving fits the formula for chronic stress so well that it is used as a model for studying the health effects of chronic stress.” The caregiver’s mental and physical health is severely affected. Caregivers sacrifice job, lifestyle, home, and health; we need support, not more stress. It would help if family members, colleagues, and friends would be supportive, or at least not add to a caregiver’s stress levels.
If someone you know, whether family, friend, or acquaintance, is a caregiver, reach out and see if there is some way you can support or help that person. Do NOT give that person more stress, no matter what you think that person should do better or differently. Unless there is some kind of serious health problem or abuse happening, you don’t get to criticize, and don’t offer an opinion unless you’re asked for one. You aren’t the person who is sacrificing to take care of that elderly person, and you don’t know context or other crucial information. Instead, you could take some time, especially over the holidays, to visit and say, “Hey, I’m going to be there for a few days. Why don’t you take some time off and relax? Let me take over while I’m here.” At the very least, don’t give the person more things to stress over. Keep any personal gripes to yourself; they are important only to you and simply create more tension and stress for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you are feeling slighted because someone else was notified about the elderly person’s health changes before you, or you’re hurt because they didn’t visit you for some occasion because one of them wasn’t feeling up to it, or you have grudges from your childhood. Everyone in the family is feeling sad and grieving whatever illness and changes are happening to the person being cared for, but the caregiver is a hundred times more stressed than the rest of you, yet still doing the best he or she can. Keep your issues to yourself. Be supportive, and if you can’t be supportive or helpful, then just be quiet.
It’s important to remember that what is happening to your loved one and his or her caregiver has little to do with you. Their lives are all about the elderly loved one and how the caregiver is managing. Be supportive. If you can’t, then at least be quiet.
Keep in mind, what no one talks about is how much resentment caregivers often have toward other family members who don’t help. When someone has given up almost everything to take care of someone else, it’s infuriating to find out other family members are off on vacation having fun or doing whatever they want to do, while you are stuck there, dealing with all kinds of painful crises and physically and/or mentally difficult issues. Other family members need to be grateful and show that gratitude in simple gestures of support, or at the very least by not causing more stress and problems. If you don’t have anything positive to say or do, then be quiet. Be mindful of how good you have it and take care not to add to the caregiver’s already overloaded burden, especially if you visit. Clean up after yourself and don’t make extra work. Better yet, take on some of the work and responsibilities, as well, and give the caregiver a much needed break. Do this year round, too, not just during National Family Caregivers Month.